The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy
satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for
American travellers only.
No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or
intended. General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign
country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the
world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by
Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular
consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country
with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions
to western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese and the
guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican
food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people
wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted
at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times. The
People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed,
and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in
general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and
those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though
you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and
topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and
they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are
advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for
easier mutual recognition. Safety: In general, France is a
safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is
invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and,
apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in
getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally
goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the
English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the
Government to flee to London. History: France was discovered
by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis
XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was
President for many years and is now an airport. Government:
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more
or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative
purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts'
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly,
they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or
communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal
preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting
indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department
intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is
not vailable at this time. Culture: The French pride
themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs
sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to
watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring
than a French novel. Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how
much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back.
Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most
Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to
cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday
Inn. Economy: France has a large and diversified economy,
second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly
work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are
on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's
principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear
weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade
launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and
cheese. Public holidays: France has more holidays than any
other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days,
37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of
Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18
Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112
France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important
holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte
Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November
12). Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque
and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice
country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be
said for it is that it is not Germany. A word of warning:
The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for
the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza
Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a
crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the
American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or
Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight
will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. We advise you to take your
holidays at Miami Beach.